Supporting Your Spouse in Sobriety
During this holiday weekend, my heart is heavy for couples bearing the weight of addiction. I’m specifically speaking of couples where one person in the relationship drinks excessively with unhealthy outcomes, and the other, who many times also likes to drink but more in moderation, witnesses the devastating impact, often in silence. It shows up during holiday weekends with friends and family. And with so much going on, the hungover and sober of the couple both file away the alcohol-indulgent experience as “to be discussed later,” or “it’s just part of who he/she is.”
Spouses, partners, trusted companions out there who believe your loved one has a drinking problem, I want to be clear: you can absolutely show up in ways that support them coming to terms on their own that they need help. If you’ve had heated morning-after conversations that end in frustration – I’ve been there. The timing of your support and the words, body language, energy you and your partner come into the conversation with matters. I’d suggest gently letting them know you’re concerned and want to talk about how alcohol is showing up in their lives, then setting a time to have the conversation.
Admitting you have a drinking problem if you’re suffering from Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is a significant, life-altering leap that can take decades. If you’ve never talked with your partner about their pattern behavior with alcohol in a supportive way, it might be helpful to hear another alcoholic’s crazy train of thoughts (and I say that lovingly). In my lived experience with AUD, here’s what played out in my head when I considered seeking help to stop drinking – from the more serious to the seemingly ridiculous thoughts for normies (AA’s terminology for non-problem drinkers):
1. If I admit I have a problem, drinking alcohol has to be off the table forever. Based what I know (or knew then in 2012, when I first openly asked for help), AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) requires an immediate declaration of sobriety forever to be successful; and based on past attempts to maintain various lengths of sobriety on my own in secrecy, I don’t see how that’s possible.
2. How will my husband react? Our relationship of 20+ years has been established as a fun couple that likes to drink, mix and mingle. Will he want out of the marriage? Even if he wants to stick around, can our marriage survive? How will we show up as a couple at gatherings with a somber cloud of sobriety hanging over my head? He likes that I drink, but also hates when I drink too much.
3. What will those closest to me think? It will be so awkward to have to show up sober in social settings. What will I say about not drinking? How much or little do I have to say on the subject?
4. What will be said about me in my workplace if I, God forbid, need to “go away” for inpatient treatment?
5. What will I do for fun or entertainment that doesn’t involve being around alcohol? I literally have social functions, events, gatherings I could attend any night or day of the week where alcohol is a significant part of every experience for me.
6. How will I relax at the end of a long day without a bottle of buttery Chardonnay and Netflix?
7. How will I ever have fun again?
It’s worth noting how many times over years on the morning after significant alcohol indulgence I’d play these questions out. If you can imagine anyone in a hungover, self-loathing state trying to allow an ounce of self-love or compassion to enter into the answers, you might imagine why someone suffering from AUD might slink down into isolation or loneliness absolutely overwhelmed by all of the insurmountable unknowns.
In my case, after going so far as to Google the nearest AA meeting, enter in the address on my phone (exactly one mile from my home), attempt to envision walking through that door and what the F I might say — let alone being immediately prompted to introduce yourself as an alcoholic, the way I’ve heard in done in movies depicting the rooms and experience of AA (more on that in my Dissonance blogpost) – you also might imagine how someone, although in desperate need of community and help, abandons that action.
So spouses, partners, trusted companions… you can have these conversations. You can use the thoughts above to prompt some questions of them all while committing to what you’re willing and able to do to support them. It’s also important before going into the conversation to have your boundaries set. Accountability is huge in the journey to sobriety. As a partner and if you drink, you can also examine how alcohol shows up in your life and commit to addressing it in a healthy way. Model the behavior and life you envision for both of you, until your partner can see the impact of your choices.
September happens to be National Recovery Month and Sober September (if you missed Dry January), a chance to reset for the month and go alcohol-free. It’s a great time to have the conversation. I’d also suggest a listen of Ruby Warrington’s Sober Curious Podcast, especially a recent one with Bill Shufelt, founder of Athletic Brewing (quality, non-alcoholic crafts brews for all!).
Lastly, give you and your partner compassion. However you label it AUD or Alcoholism, understand that it is often seen as a character defect (AA’s terminology) and so much of the shame and guilt around alcohol is about self. But society has failed us miserably and especially in the U.S., where drinking is linked to every occasion and engrained in our culture. I’m working hard to shatter stigmas and provide more sober yet celebratory spaces for us all!
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